Why I Disappeared and What I Refused to Give Up

Beginnings and Endings

The first steps are shaky: the awkward silence of a first date, dumbbells after a December of champagne and cookies, writing the first page, the first poem, of what begs to be a book.

You can do it all, poet and friend Alexis Rhone Fancher once told me, just not at the same time. I have carried this advice like a worry stone, my thumb rubbing the idea. 

This year, I decided to write and (hopefully, eventually) sell a novel. My health had other plans. Since the new year, I’ve been suffering from constant infections. In May, I spent in bed with the stomach flu; then COVID, all while fighting the sinus infection I’d had for the past eight months. 

I have been sick most of my life. When my sister and I compare memories, she recalls moments dripping with spices and the arc of every interaction. All I remember is illness. In the most critical moments of life, I’m fist-fighting infection: the fever in my wedding dress, flu-like body aches at my mother’s death bead. Decades spent weak, dizzy, but always smiling. Pretending this is fine, I’m fine, it’s all fine. I’ll be okay, I would say, pushing to work multiple jobs, be a mom, and still find hours to write between it all. 

The more I chased my dream, the more people blamed me for being sick. I was told countless times that it was my fault, that I should do less and want less. The sad part: I believed them. 

As a woman, blaming myself was a habit. I believed it was my fault for wanting more while never feeling like enough. Any issue in my life, I was so sure I had planted it with my own clumsy hands.

In an essay about the creative life, Mary Oliver wrote, “The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative works, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising and gave it neither the power nor time.” A new version of me was calling. I had to write my way to her. Knee deep in guilt, terribly sick, I promised myself—no matter what happens, never stop writing.

So, I decided to begin again. To recalibrate. With such limited energy, each minute was measured with intention, dividing my life into categories of keep and toss. I canceled plans. Let the dishes pile up. Ignored social media. Said no to giggling afternoons drinking Rosé with friends. Quit my job to freelance.

I needed silence to survive. To hear the new me knocking. To welcome the voice of the woman (and the writer) I was becoming.

When I felt well enough, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I didn’t focus on quality; I focused on one central question: did I write today? If the answer was yes, I had accomplished something. This single question kept me from self-destructing as I sat at the keyboard, exhausted, fumbling my way through a new genre (what the hell is plot?), feeling like I knew nothing.

Action is the antidote to insecurity. My goal was to build a practice, a confidence. Muscling shaky circumstances, I wrote my way forward.

In June, I was diagnosed with Common Variable Immune Disorder, a genetic disease, an antibody deficiency that leaves the immune system unable to defend against bacteria and viruses resulting in recurrent— and often severe— infections. Meaning no matter what I do, I can’t shake sickness. The typical person's Immunoglobulin G, which shows the strength of an immune system, is 586-1602. Mine was at 15. 15! 

The relief. It wasn’t my fault. 

Now, every month, I receive ten thousand people’s antibodies, so my body has enough little soldiers to fight infections for the next 30 days. I thank god for science and am also adjusting to the fact that I will need to receive treatment every month for the rest of my life. 

I’m proud to say that over four months of battling illness, I managed to write the first draft of my novel. Is it good? No. Did I grow? Yes. Will I be revising my ass off this fall? You better believe it.

Am I closer to who I want to be? Absolutely.

Reaching the next version of yourself is never a straight line; it is messy and vulnerable. The universe will throw everything at you to test you. And when it does, answer audaciously. Run greedily into the direction of your new life. Do not blame yourself for roadblocks. Take off the dress of guilt. Thank yourself for what you did when each small step felt tangled and heavy. Eventually, you will reach yourself on the other side with new legs and maybe even a new draft. 

It has been three months since I left my job to write more. I couraged an ending so I could truly begin. I now spend my days consulting, writing, editing, and teaching poetry online.

This month, I am launching my Substack, The Poetry Coach. I will share prompts, poetry hacks, and personal essays to transform your writing practice.

Every month, I will host a 30-day Craft Challenge, ending with a fun and exploratory workshop on that specific element of craft. September’s Challenge is Beginnings and Endings.

All subscribers will get access to occasional prompts, craft and personal essays.

Paid subscribers will get access to weekly prompts (every Friday going forward, that’s 52 prompts), example poems, poetry hacks, personal essays, and publishing advice to elevate your craft and reach new confidence in your writing. You will also get discounts on one-day and month-long workshops.

Founding members or Writing Geeks will get all that, plus one free workshop a year.

This month’s workshop, on October 8, will offer ten beginnings and endings craft moves to shake up your writing. You can sign up here. Use the code BEGIN AGAIN to get 20% off.

The Poetry Coach originally started on Instagram; now, I am moving the majority of content over to Substack. So here I am at yet another ending and another beginning, welcoming all the discovery and beautiful mess. 

Whenever you are in your story, I wish you intentional endings to brave the new beginnings that await. Hope to write with you soon. Until then, happy poeming. 

Shine on,

Kelly 

You can find more information about the workshops I'm offering on my website, along with excellent poetry hacks to write smarter, not harder.

What new thing are you beginning? What creative risks are you taking? Leave a comment below so I can cheer you on!

---